So, I have this friend.....
Actually, two of them. Both of them have been in my life for years, and it took me almost that same amount of time to figure something out... They aren't my friends.
Both of these people have all the classic characteristics of a friend: they are involved in my life, they offer advice (whether I'm asking for itor not), they are honest and don't hold back, they are loyal and relate-able.
But what happens when the same qualities that make them a good friend is exactly what makes them a bad friend too? What if they are involved in your life - only to keep tabs on you in an aggressive, competitive way? What if they offer advice, simply because they don't respect your ability to make decisions on your own? What if they are brutally honest, to the point of hurting your feelings with no remorse? What if they are only relate-able to turn every conversation back onto them?
As I've mentioned before (and apparently am going to keep mentioning...), I have been going to therapy to help become the best version of me -- more on that later -- and in a casual conversation, I mentioned one of these friends. I didn't unleash what I've been holding inside for years, but just told a casual story that involved her, and my therapist responded with "Your friend sounds like a complete narcissist!" BAM! There it was! The sliver of a thought that I've been toying with for years, but have been unable to place. With that simple statement, it all made sense. This girl is not my friend. This girl is a selfish person who uses me to make herself feel better. It's been right there all along, I just couldn't see it... When I would reach out to her after having a bad day, she would "make me feel better" by telling me how her day was worse. When I would tell her something exciting that happened to me, it always seemed that she had something even more exciting to share, or that the same thing had happen to her too, except better. She was always one-upping me. And you know what? That doesn't feel good.
This other "friend" of mine plays off being mean, aggressive, and bossy by being sympathetic and understanding. You've got a goal you're not quite reaching? She's had that too! And she failed, so she totally understands how you feel about failing. Wait... I didn't fail yet... but gosh, if she doesn't think I can do it, maybe I can't...? What a healthy thought process that is! You have a problem in your life? She's had it too! But hers was worse and the only way you can fix your problem is to do exactly what she did - it's the only way! Sometimes it's as if she doesn't realize that I know her... The things she embellishes on to make her stories, trials or triumphs, or life lessons so extreme are so clearly untruthful, especially when I've been there for some of the things and know that is not how it went down. "You shouldn't..." or "you should..." is just about all I hear from her. Well how's this: YOU SHOULD BE NICE, ENCOURAGING, AND TRUTHFUL TO YOUR FRIENDS!
It might have taken me a while to come to this conclusion, but once I did, basically all of my memories involving each of these people altered. And I realized something... They aren't like this to just anybody. Instead, like a spider weaving their web, they both brought me in close to offer a shoulder to cry in, after being the ones who poke at me until I cry. I guess that's the unfortunate side of the circle of life - the strong prey on the weak, and they see me as weak, but knowledge is power and as I dissect all aspects of my life, I am gaining knowledge, life skills, and self esteem everyday.
Realizing this is only step one, friends. Verbalizing it (well technically, I'm typing it) is step two. Step three, The Big Kahuna, is confronting these people. Stay tuned for the day I have enough lady-balls to make that happen... Until then, I will quietly distance myself from these unfriendly friends and focus on the friends who do treat me like a true friend should.
Drake said it best, y'all..... Fuck a fake friend, where my real friends at?