Up until now, I always considered myself a collector of lost souls. I could easily recognize those people with pain, with needs, and who were in need of love. And I liked it that way. Everyone in my life needed something from me. I was able to provide to everyone, therefore being needed.
Almost everyone in my life was involved in a co-dependent relationship with me. And for a while - for a long while - it worked.
Until lately....
On a recent sunset boat ride with my father-in-law, while staring off at the clouds and setting sun, I found myself not purposely deep in thought. I've mentioned in another recent blog that I recently lost two friends. I didn't lose them in life, I simply lost them in my life. Only, it's not simple. Nothing about it has been simple or easy.
I still have friends. Don't get me wrong. I'm even lucky enough to have more than one person that I consider a best friend. However, my elementary school best friend? Passed away. My middle school best friend? Didn't really have one... My high school best friend? No longer my friend at all... After over a decade of friendship, we are no longer friends. That's a harsh reality to adjust to.
There are some things that I have done for years. I've been a daughter for all of my life. I've been a sister, a cousin, and a friend. But I've never had someone in my life for so long that I chose to put there myself. It wasn't blood or family that brought us together. It was me seeing in another soul a reason to connect, to relate, and to live our lives together. And we did so. Beautifully. For years. I don't believe in fairy tales. I don't buy into the idea of true love. But, this friend was my soul mate. The person who at my very pure, my rawest self, saw me. Saw me, understood me, and loved me. And I did the same. It was the most effortless friendship I've ever had.
I've been many people in my life. I've grown from being a social butterfly to having social anxiety. I've gone from being outgoing and mildly popular to being shy and withdrawn. I've gone through many evolutions, but through all of them, I had this friend. But then the thing happened that I never thought would....
Some people call it growing apart. But is it really growing if only one of you grows? What if you grow and change and become better, older, wiser, but they stay the same? Do you keep them out of loyalty? Out of love? Or do you let them go? Do you spend your energy trying to help them catch up, or do you cut them loose so that you don't get held back?
After my friendship with this friend dissolved (though, realistically, it was more of an explosion...), I found myself struggling to continue my journey onward. How do I let go of this person who has been in my life for so long? What does that say about me if I can so easily go on? What does that say about our friendship? The one friendship I never doubted would be life long.
It wasn't until that thought-provoking boat ride that I realized what had happened was that my life was going through another evolution. I was shedding my past. My skin. I was letting go of people who were no longer a part of my journey. Though I don't know why, we had come to the end of our road. Perhaps it was them. Maybe it was me. But ultimately, does it matter? I don't want to be the person I was ten years ago, or even one year ago. I don't even want to be the person I was yesterday. So how do you change who you are if everything in your life stays the same? I don't know that you can. All I know is that I want to try. I want to try to change, and grow, and improve, and doing so means making changes, and making sacrifices. Right now, in the heat of the moment, living in the discomfort, I can't say if it's worth it... I can't say if I will regret it. All I know is that I have to change, and to do that, I have to make changes.
Perhaps finally making these changes is proof that I'm already marginally different than I was. Maybe it's not a sign of weakness, but instead a sign of strength.
I guess only time will tell... Until then, I'll try and keep my head up, keep tissues nearby for the inevitable tears, keep looking at the clouds, enjoying the peaceful moments, and continue to work on myself.
Hopefully I can bring the rest of my beloved collection of people with me, because I'm not sure I can handle any more loss.