Remember that show? Remember my post about BFFs? After a lot of reflection, I think I finally figured out where our dynamic went wrong. Each of those "friends", when comparing themselves to others, viewed themselves as meek, as less-than. But they saw me as weaker than them. So, it seems that, in order to make themselves feel better, they would cut me down.
Looking back at the she-pack these friends and I were involved in really made it stand out to me. In one group, I am the youngest, which is probably one reason alone that she looked down on me. But the other people in our lives were not only older, wiser, and more mature, but they had their shit together. Sure, like everyone, they had problems, but their lives were put together so well enough, that whatever problems they did have, they didn't share. So it was like this "friend" thought because her life was in shambles and she felt unable to have any control in her life, she would belittle me for making decisions, constantly making me feel like I made the wrong one. This person didn't ever take her own advice, but she sure did dish it out. Unfortunately, I am still involved with this person. But now that I'm paying attention, I really do see the difference in how she speaks to me vs how she speaks to everyone else. Recently, while with a group of people, someone else even noticed - that's how apparent it is. So why did it take me so long to notice? I'm not sure. Maybe it's that I always want to see the best in everybody. Maybe it's that I value others opinions of me so much that I assumed I was as weak as she thought I was.
The same thing now seems apparent with the other friendship as well -- She didn't treat anyone else how she treated me. She never would have said the things she said to me to someone else, one of our other friends... Why? Because they never would have stood for it! They would have called her out, defended themselves, and demanded an apology. What did I do? Tucked my tail between my legs and went home to mope. Yeah, no wonder I was seen as weak...
Lately, I've been getting to know myself more. One of the changes I'm making is standing up for myself. Now, when around people who view me as weak, I speak up. I stand strong. I make my own decisions and I don't shy away from them due to other people's opinions. A lot of the ways I've been doing that have been small, but each one makes me feel more strong and more brave than I think I have ever felt before. When I don't want to do something, I say no. When I don't like something, I say so. When I think I am being treated poorly or deserve better, I let it be known.
The big difference now is that I value myself. I think I am worthy and deserving of being shown love, affection, and respect. Before, muddled down with my past issues, I was so afraid that if I stood up for myself, people would leave. That's the bottom ground reason for how I was -- terrified to be left by someone I cared about, because of something I had done. But really, are the people who treat you poorly the people you want to have around?? No. Not anymore they aren't. I'm learning to that when it comes to friends, it really is quality over quantity. I only want to be surrounded by the best.
This past weekend, someone who has known me for many, many years said that I had grown into a "boss ass bitch" and I was shocked -- in a good way! I couldn't believe that is what she saw in me. But honestly, it's how I wish to be seen. And lately, with each change I make, each time I voice my opinion or stand my ground, I feel closer and closer to not only becoming the person I want to be, but also to becoming a person worthy of being called a boss ass bitch.
