We've all heard the saying "forgive, but don't forget". It's something we hear when we are given advice; we hear it on tv (Looking at you, LC!) and in music. But lately, I'm starting to think that true forgiveness actually is forgetting. No, I don't mean that you absolutely no longer remember what happened. But, even when you forgive someone - say, after they apologize, if you're anything like me, you still think about it. It weighs on your mind and you have trouble not thinking about it. You might still be holding a grudge, whether it's internal or obvious. It might be the underlying reason for your stress or your bad attitude. Forgiveness is the harder choice, but I believe it makes you happier.
Forgiveness is a journey. That part is true. It doesn't happen in the blink of an eye, but slowly, over time. When someone apologizes, we often follow up with "It's ok"... but it's not always ok, is it? What happens then, is that outwardly, you are ok... but internally, you are not. You are still stuck on what happened or what was said. You ruminate on it, therefore you are unable to forget it.
Forgiveness happens for a number of reasons, but it is always a choice. Sometimes, it's that you forgive someone for doing something unforgivable, because they mean that much to you and you want them in your life despite what they've done. But when you do that, it doesn't erase what happened, but rather, it shifts the focus away from the bad and back to the good - the reasons why you want that person in your life, why you love them, why they are worthy of your forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean you've accepted the past, but it means you want a future.
Recently, I made moves to forgive someone I have been angry with for a very long time. This person didn't apologize. They didn't change. But I finally realized that I had no choice but to except them for who they are - who they are now - not who they used to be, or who I thought they were. You see, once I let go of the expectations, I wasn't disappointed anymore. That person has changed, and if I want them in my life, I have to take them as they are. With that one decision, I gained both strength and clarity. I don't think forgiving makes you weak - I think it makes you strong. Strong enough to look forward instead of backwards. Forgiving someone who isn't sorry is the epitome of strength.
Forgiving allows you to free up the space in your heart and mind that is boiling over with the negative memories. Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean you love someone you once loved. It doesn’t have to mean you even reach out to those people, and it certainly doesn't mean you excuse past wrongs or decide to forget them entirely. It means letting go of the negative feelings and ill will towards those who did you wrong. Forgiveness isn’t all too common. It's easier to be angry. Forgiveness doesn’t cause catfights on reality shows and it isn’t making any news headlines. The stuff we stew over, the stuff that makes us angry on a daily basis, deserves to be brought out and examined. Is it worth holding on to? Or is it better given up, offered to yourself as a gift of letting go? Forgiveness is an excavation of all the tightly wound dark stuff, the hatred and anger and raw wounds, held deep down in your gut. Forgiveness is freeing.
Forgiveness is a fickle thing. It can mean different things in different situations, but ultimately, I think forgiveness is about self care. It's about making a decision that allows you to heal. Once you decide to not focus on the wrong someone did, you allow yourself to move on, either with or without them, but without the weight of the grudge. Oprah Winfrey herself has said: "True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience." It's changing your narrative, which only you have the power to do. It shapes your journey. I'm on the ultimate "living my best life" journey, and I don't know about you, but I don't need anything else weighing me down.
So, if you're reading this... I forgive you...