It is 12:04 pm.
It is a gloomy October day in Michigan.
Usually I feel the calmest on days like today.
But today is different. Today, I feel like I might be hurt – physically – by invisible demons that my brain genuinely fears.
Anxiety is a b***h!!
I had the most productive morning; folded and put away all the laundry, did the dishes, put away all the random things left out of place from the weekend. I watched an episode of my current show of the month and left the house only a little behind schedule.
These are the morning I tell myself will “make” my day!
I got to work, got logged in, had a weakened cup of coffee to warm me up. And then it happened.
My chest - tighter. Breathing - shortened.
“Why?!”, I ask myself. “How the HELL do I know? I never know!”, I think.
“Wait”, I tell myself, “I was taught a trick for this!”.
Recently I started to see a therapist for my anxiety. She recommended a tool to use when I feel like this. However, today, it is not helping! (Good thing I see her this afternoon!)
I know that I am seeing a therapist to help me with these invisible demons. The ones who endlessly whisper into my ear that something horrible will happen. The ones who make my skin feel like bugs are crawling just beneath the surface, that everyone in the room knows I don’t belong there or that I have anxiety.
And I know that over time I will learn how to control these feelings of hopelessness and fear.
But sometimes what I know isn’t enough. Because what I know to be true and what my brain wants me to believe is true are so mushed together that I can’t be sure which is true, and which is a scare tactic my own brain as created to “keep me safe”.
Today a gentleman came into work, as any other day. Except this gentleman was a family member to one of my coworkers, unknown to me at the time. Instead of responding to my, “Hello! How can I help you today?”, he waltzed right into my boss’s office and sat down.
Now, I was not in any danger. The man never threatened me or rather never actually recognized I was speaking to him.
But my body reacted in a way that instantly sent me into a panic. As I thought all the worsr ideas (he had some grudge out for my boss and was going to hurt him; or my job isn’t even a respectable job, I’m just a joke! – see this guy doesn’t even notice I’m speaking to him!) I messaged my boyfriend and he quickly separated all the ideas and fears I was having into separate problems and separate solutions.
(Now here comes the guilt!) “Why didn’t I see these solutions to my problem(s)? Why do I do this to myself? Now my boyfriend thinks I’m crazy.”, I think to myself.
Described by Psychology Today as the repetitive thought/problem running through your mind.
Knowing this doesn’t make it easier to stop. Knowing anything about why I have anxiety or what my body is chemically processing make it easier to cope with all this fear and helplessness I feel almost daily.
Maybe this is that turning point in my therapy where I start to accept that it never will because I do have invisible demons and the problem at hand isn’t getting rid of them, but rather, learning to not react to them.
Today I feel like my demons have won.
Written by Anonymous