Dealing with Death

Twice in the past week, a few close friends of mine uffered the lose a close friend. When I reached out to them both to offer my condolences, both said to me “I know what you were going through now...” and while I didn’t set out to make the conversation about me, there’s a certain kinship that comes when someone directly relates to the kind of grief you’re experiencing.

I have lost more than one friend, in more than one type of tragedy. With each of these losses, I have said to others that the pain of losing a friend is fundamentally different than the loss of a family member. Losing a friend means you have lost someone that was a person and a soul that you chose to let into your life and your heart and that’s what makes it hurt so much. There’s also the extra pain of losing someone young, who still had so ouch life ahead of them. Some that I had lost were new parents who truly had something magical to live for and instead are leaving behind another person who loved them. Recently, while unpacking at our new house, I came across my old elementary and middle school yearbooks. What I thought was going to be a sweet trip down memory lane instead left me heart broken and ashamed. You see, from early elementary school on, I had a best friend. That friend died in a tragic accident almost three years ago. It wasn’t the pictures of him that stopped me in my tracks, it was the fact that there were none... At some point, for some reason, I cut them all out one by one... I would like to think that I cut them out to do something special with, but in reality, our puppy love story was filled with ups and downs, and I probably cut them out in an immature, weak moment of anger. I can remember when he first passed away, looking for my yearbooks - knowing that because of how inseparable we were for over a decade, that there would be pictures of the two of us together. Instead, while looking for snapshots of a simpler time to fill the void, I found another void in its place. The regret of my youthful anger is something I will always have to live with. A regret I will have to wear.

Another friend of mine passed away less than a week after our last conversation. Except, it wasn't a conversation, it was an argument... That I started, upheld, and finished... The teddy bear that he was didn't even fight back. That's a fact that I have been tormented over for the years since his death.

I feel like life is so rushed, so focused on what's next or what's coming after that we often don't live in the moment like we should. But more than that, we often make fleeting decisions based on emotion that we can't take back. Certainly, when I was younger, I didn't imagine that my grade school best friend would pass away, but in the moment that I cut out those pictures, I lost something I can never get back -- the image of his blonde-haired, gap-toothed face that filled my childhood. That argument that could have been avoided with my friend is now the last memory that I have of him. I don't believe that either of them are shunning me from the other side for my actions, but I sure have shunned myself.

I wish I could go back in time, tell myself to.............I don't even know what. I have learned to operate under the belief that negative feelings are just as valid and important as good ones, but at the end of the day, I don't think they should have as much weight, because when you get trapped in the cycle of guilt that accompanies grief, it's so easy to get stuck, and then you're focusing on the bad things that happened rather than the years of amazing memories that you shared.

Up until today, I haven't once mentioned those regrets that I have, as if I thought they would disqualify me for feeling grief, but really, they don't, do they? In fact, they give me more reason to grieve. But I have to find a way to not feel guilt. If you're suffering the loss of a friend or a loved one, read these words that I didn't take to heart, but should have... know that nothing you could have done would have changed things. If you lost contact or weren't as close as you used to be or wished to be, it's ok. That's a natural part of life. We grow, we change, we evolve... Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. However, if someone was once a major part of your life, it's ok to feel grief, guilt, anger, sadness, and even smile at the memories. If the roles were reversed, I can all but guarantee that they would be thinking and feeling the same things about you, too.