Edited to note: I did not write this post, and am not pregnant! My best friend guest wrote this, and she deserves all the love, good vibes, and congrats, not me :)
Until I met my husband I was sure I would never have a family of my own. I never even wanted one. I grew up helping raise my younger siblings and in a lot of ways I feel like I failed them. Although, I was a child as well, I just never thought I had what it takes to be a mother nor did I care. I kept that mentality through my teen years and until I was about 24 I hated the thought of being married and having kids. My husband changed that. For the first time I knew I wanted to be a wife and a mother. That was my calling. I NEEDED to be his wife and to have his babies and that feeling alone was enough to knock my friends and family off their feet. Fast forward and we are married and expecting our first baby, a son, and we couldn’t be happier... well, my husband couldn’t be happier. See, I have always struggled with internal demons. My mental health has always been an ongoing battle and although I appear to be okay most days, the truth is I am not. I was told pregnancy is the most wonderful and natural thing for a woman. It’s beautiful and exciting and rainbows and butterflies and everyone wanted to be the first to tell me that I would love it. Those were lies. I am sure for some women it is just that, but I can’t be alone when I say I am TERRIFIED. Yes, I am blessed to be fortunate enough to have babies, that alone is a miracle given my history with cancer, BUT I am struggling to find even a little joy in this journey. My body is not my body anymore, it’s his. My thoughts have been hijacked by an overload of hormones. I bought into everyone else’s opinions on pregnancy and I was so excited to start a family with my husband that I didn’t even think about the toll it would take on my mental health. There are so many discussions about post-partum depression, but not enough about depression and anxiety during pregnancy. The weight I feel on my shoulders is enormous. There are days I can’t get out of bed. Sometimes I can’t eat, sleep, or even speak. I have no motivation and I’d rather go to bed than fold the massive mountain of laundry taking up my chair in the living room. I can’t even think about cleaning the bathroom or the kitchen without having a breakdown. I have fears and anxieties I didn’t know I would ever experience. What if I get cancer again while he is young and he has to grow up without his mother? What if I do something wrong and I lose my son? What if he grows up to hate me? The constant “what if’s” are enough to drive anyone crazy, but I seem to dwell on these thoughts. There are some days I already feel like I’m failing him and he’s not even here yet. There are days I question myself and the decision my husband and I made to have a baby... days I feel like I have no business bringing a baby into this world. Don’t get me wrong, there are good days and great days, but right now, the bad days seem to outweigh the good. For me, personally, the worst feeling is knowing that my feelings are his too. He can feel when I’m mad, sad, happy, or afraid. Before I even get to see my sweet babies face or hold him in my arms, he will know what pain is and sadness. That breaks my heart. I do not want that for him. I want to be healthy; mind, body, and spirit. I want him to know just how loved he is and always will be and I want him to never worry if mommy is okay. For him, I have to be and the first step in making sure that I am, is acknowledging these feelings and saying out loud “I am not okay!” Yes, I have spoken with my doctor and my next appointment will be focused on making sure my head is in the right space for my little man to grow happy and healthy. But for now, I need to get it out there and off my chest. To any woman who reads this and feels this way too, my shoulder is yours to cry on. We cannot go through these things alone. We have to stick together and lift each other up when we are down. If you’re a man reading this, listen to your woman and read her body language. Be there for her even if you can’t understand what she is feeling, JUST LISTEN and let her cry or yell. Just let her get it out and then love her harder. She needs that reassurance right now.