"Some people aren't loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you, and once their needs change, so does their loyalty."
Last year, when I had the falling out with my best friend, despite me originally telling only a select few people what had happened, there were definite lines drawn in the sand. Without being prompted, our mutual friends began to choose sides. Because this wasn't a fight, but instead a permanent breaking of our friendship, it seemed inevitable that people wouldn't be able to be friends with both of us. People who chose her thought that I had jumped to conclusions or had the wrong impression about what happened and her intents behind it. People who sided with me thought what she did was unforgivable and they too suffered broken trust at the hands of her actions.
Recently I found myself wondering if this meant that these friends were loyal to me, or if it meant that they weren't loyal to her. Can you be both? Did they have to be one or the other? Would not choosing sides make them seem disloyal to one or both of us?
There was one person who was adamant that they wanted to remain friends with both of us, but as time went on, it was too hard, and I lost that friendship too. I honestly am not sure that I would have been able to maintain friendship with someone who was still a part of her life - I wanted (and needed) complete separation. I couldn't have her in my life, and hearing about her, even in passing, would send me reeling and was just too hard. If I heard news of her being happy, it tore at my heart that while I was struggling, she was seemingly moving on with no trouble. I would be lying if I said hearing about her being upset didn't give me some small satisfaction, but it also just emphasized just how devastating what happened really was to everyone involved. No one involved came out unscathed.
I struggled with wanting to lash out and take everyone away from her by telling people what she did, and the discomfort and embarrassment of people knowing what had happened and just how foolish I had been with my trust. I didn't like people knowing what had happened because it was such an awful situation. I felt dirty and ashamed, even if the fault wasn't mine. At the same time, I still felt the automatic response of wanting to defend her, lighten the severity of what she did, and protect her honor by not bad-mouthing her. But I was just so angry.
Every time someone asked what had happened, I was so torn. Do I play it off as no big deal? Give a vague response? Or do I unleash my boxed-up, poorly-managed feelings on this poor, unsuspecting person who probably thinks whatever happened is anything but what actually happened? I would be lying if I said that I didn't tell people out of anger - because I did. It was easy to get caught up in the moment and talk trash. In the moment, making her look bad made me feel better. If other people thought what she did was also worth ending a friendship over, it made me feel like I had made the right decision. That validation was something I honestly needed - because despite how angry and hurt I was by what happened, I was also heartbroken over having lost my best friend and I longed for a way to remain friends, somehow, someway.
Now that all the cards have fallen and I've gained more clarity, I've realized that while I spent all that time testing other people's loyalty, it was actually me that was disloyal and I am filled with guilt. Despite our friendship being over, I should have better protected her secrets and her reputation, because I would have wanted the same respect from her. She was my secret keeper for so many years, and surely she could have tarnished my name just like I had done to her. Whether or not she deserved it isn't the point. Looking back now, I feel just as awful about what happened as I do about how I handled things in the following months.
Don't get me wrong - I was (and still am) very thankful for the people who supported me while I struggled with the loss of such a significant relationship and owe me getting through it to all of the people who helped lift me up. Every person who backed me up made me feel that much more sure that I had made the right decision. But, standing on the other side of this, I want her to have a good life. I want her marriage to succeed, her children to thrive, her friendships to strengthen and grow, and for her to become the best version of herself that she can be. Shouldn't something good come from all of this?
No matter what happened, I will always love her - and with love comes loyalty, and I wasn't loyal, and for that, I owe her an apology. I wish I would have been the bigger person - instead I was both the victim and the bad guy, and it's made healing that much harder.
For anyone who felt uncomfortable by my words and actions, I'm sorry.
For anyone who felt I made them choose, I'm sorry.
For anyone who was stuck in the middle, I'm sorry.
And for her, I'm the sorriest of all.