I see people sharing it on Facebook all the time... Memes about how hard it is to make friends as an adult. AND IT IS TRUE. Making friends as an adult is hard. Really hard. My friends are split into two categories:
1. Those who live too far away to see regularly
2. Those who are busy raising little humans
At 29 years old, without kids, I'm on an island of my own. Like most adults, I am busy with work, taking care of my home, maintaining my marriage, and don't often have a ton of free time. The free time I do have is generally spent doing self-indulgent thinks like taking naps, watching tv, or reading - all activities that you can't do with a friend.
When I do go out, I'm usually with my husband on a date, which really doesn't leave me in the best place to try and socialize with other people. I'm also not great in crowds, and at parties you can almost always find me alone in the corner. LE SIGH.
A few years ago, after moving to Grand Rapids and not really having many local friends, I turned to the internet... I joined MeetUp, hoping to find a group that really jumped out to me. There were a lot that sounded interesting, but the thought of joining an existing group as the newbie scared me too bad to actually try it. I spent all of my time lurking on MeetUp, browsing groups, joining them, but not participating. It was a bust.
Soon after that, I remember hearing about an app called "Bumble" - while traditionally a dating app, there is a setting called Bumble BFF where you can search for platonic friendships in your area. I think I'm in the minority of people who have never used a dating app. I've been with my husband since I was 18 years old, so the opportunity was never around, thank goodness, because it's a ton of pressure and is so awkward.
Here's a summary of my time on Bumble:
First, describing yourself is really hard. You get just a short number of characters to describe yourself with, so you have to be really selective. I really struggled with what to say, and as time has gone on, I have changed my bio more than once. What can you say about yourself that is genuine, not boasting, but would make someone want to be friends with you?? (Don't ask me, because I still don't know! -- Hi, I'm really nice....? My dog seems to like me....?)
One common thing I've seen while browsing other profiles is almost everyone says something along the lines of "making friends as an adult is hard", so I guess we at least have that in common.
On top of your bio, you have to browse through your photos and pick a few that best describe you... You don't want to post just your glamour shots, because if you're here to make friends, they need to see the real you... The one who puts sweatpants on as soon as you get home from work, and are often in yesterday's makeup. But you don't want to come off as lame and weird, or sad and boring, or a party girl, but yet you want people to see that you're happy and fun... So basically my five allotted photos are wedding photos, pictures of me with my dog, and one weird, random photo of just me smiling awkwardly at the camera, holding a cup that could contain either wine or coffee, to show them who they're really swiping at. It's me. Awkward little me.
It's really weird to condense yourself into a handful of photos, a few sentences, and then send your cyber-self out into the world to be quickly judged on whether or not they think you would be a good friend based on almost nothing. It's very vulnerable, which is not a strong suit of mine.
More often than not, when you match with someone, no one says anything. Nothing happens. Because what do you say?? Almost always, when I get the lady-balls to talk to someone first, it's because they have a dog in their photos and that's my instant go-to: "Your dog is so cute!" Because who doesn't want to talk about how cute their dog is!? But after that.... crickets.
I would be lying if I said I didn't get a ton of matches - I mean, based on first impressions, it's kind of hard to assume you wouldn't like somebody, so I think all of us almost always swipe right. I've had so many dead-end conversations though. You're making small talk over direct messages, and without any rhyme or reason, one of you just stops responding... Its almost like we like the idea of making new friends, but putting in the time and effort gets overlooked in favor of nurturing your existing friendships and other hobbies. Admittedly, laying on the couch with my dog and a good book often sounds way better than meeting a stranger for drinks at a bar.
The first time I met up with somebody, I was so nervous -- like almost stood her up -- but it ended up being pleasant enough that we did it again, and then became friends. (Looking at you, Mindy Beans!) Pretty much after I had made that one friend, I stopped checking on on Bumble... but then she moved, and I found myself lonely once again. Insert my husband's friend's wife, and my soul was so complete. But there was a problem... she was moving across the country. For a few months, we talked almost daily and hung out about as much and she was exactly the friend I had been craving, but it was all with a dead-end in sight. (Kristen, I am so envious of your adventure, love your strength and determination to make it work, but I miss the heck out of you!) While we stay in touch still, I don't have my go-to person anymore. She is across the country with a time difference of three hours, and I no longer get to go to the grocery store with her, or sit around watching movies, doing laundry, or cooking. Our go-to double date friends are gone, and I was left in a pile of despair. I say to my husband more often than I can count, "I don't really have any friends...." and honestly, in a way, it feels true. I have like 2.5 friends that I keep in constant contact with - generally via social media and text messages. While I am so thankful for them, it's just not enough...
So, back to Bumble I went! To be honest, it's been more of the same... Matching with people without ever talking, a dud of a conversation that stalls instantly, or a conversation that just fizzles out. With one exception. After a brief chat about our shared love of wine, books, and Gilmore Girls, a girl and I exchanged numbers, set a date to meet up, and there it was... Our first date. I have to say, in terms of first dates, this was really good. (I'm not speaking from experience here, because I've never actually dated... but chick flicks are kinda my thing.) After a few initial minutes of weirdness, the conversation and wine kept flowing, and we left agreeing to see each other again. Later that night, I had a text from her, found myself thankful she reached out to confirm that she, too, thought it was an excellent first date, and then we made plans to meet again. So I think to say, after taking a leap, I think just maybe, I have made a friend.
