I'm not sure where this post is going to take me.... I'm not writing this for sympathy, but rather out of frustration. I need to complain and get this off my chest so I can stop dwelling on it...
I'm sitting here in my office, stewing, with hot angry tears pooling in my eyes, having just returned from an appointment with my newest Orthopedic Surgeon. The doctor was new, the establishment was new, the diagnosis was not.
Once again, I was told that there is nothing that can be done for me - for my pain. Daily pain.
If you don't know, back in 2007, while in high school I suffered a severe knee injury in a cheerleading stunt gone wrong, that resulted in surgery, permanent nerve damage and 12 years later, daily pain. Seriously - I have been in pain to some extent every single day for twelve years. Some days it's minor. Other days, my limp is so visible that my husband yells at me until I stay off of my feet. At least once a night, every night, I am woken up by the pain and discomfort.
I know I'm not alone. I know quite a few people who also suffer from chronic pain, and in fact, 1 in 5 people in the world suffer from moderate to severe chronic pain. But knowing that doesn't make me feel less alone. 77% of chronic pain sufferers report feeling depressed, and I am in that percentage. How could I not feel depressed when I'm not even 30 years old and can't walk through the mall without my knee swelling, or ride a bike without pain? I can't tell you the last time that I ran, because I can't... It brings tears to my eyes. What am I going to do if or when I have kids? I limp, I cringe, I grimace, I walk slow, and take the stairs even slower. I am an old lady trapped in a youthful body, and while I occasionally joke about it, it's not actually funny. It is embarrassing, frustrating, and exhausting.
Dr. Michele Cascardi, associate professor of psychology at William Paterson University and director of the university’s doctoral program in clinical psychology says, "Pain may prevent usual engagement in enjoyable activities, impair work productivity, decrease energy, or interfere with sleep. Not surprisingly, these negative experiences can increase the duration and intensity of pain, creating a vicious cycle of pain increasing depression and anxiety which then increases pain."
My doctor visit today was brought on by a recent re-injury. While walking down the stairs, my knee gave out and hyper-extended (meaning it buckled backwards). This happens all the time, so this wasn't unusual, except that this time it was really bad. When it was still extremely painful two weeks later, I put a call in to my primary doctor, who ordered an X-Ray and an MRI, which showed some damage and swelling. I would say that over the past few years, I have probably had either an X-Ray or MRI once a year on average. And typically it doesn't show anything other than some lasting damage to my cartilage and a mis-placed knee cap. Hands-on tests show a slightly decreased range of motion and some lasting nerve damage. Doctor after doctor has told me there is nothing they can do. They recommend physical therapy 2-3 times a week, which often comes with a large co-pay. Yes, I'm in pain, but no, I do not have a spare $30 every other day to pay for physical therapy. I have been told more often than I can count, that once I hit age 40, I may be considered a candidate for a knee replacement - maybe. Sometimes I'll get lucky and my doctor will give me cortisone shots, meant to least 2-3 weeks, that instead last 2-3 days. I've had custom knee braces made, and have been prescribed multiple pain medications and nerve blockers. Yet here I am, still in pain...
Chronic pain is so terrible. Those of us with it are in pain everyday.... but no one wants to hear about your pain every day. Eventually it seems like everyone rolls their eyes at it, like "We get it - you're in pain..." No one seems to understand and no one seems to want to talk about it.
Well friends, if you have chronic pain, please know you can always talk to me. And I mean always. I know just how frustrating, depressing and hopeless it feels to be told there is nothing that can be done about your pain. I know what it feels like to have doctors basically tell you that your quality of life will not improve. I have also had to give up some of my hobbies because I can't physically participate. I too, spend a lot of my life on the sidelines...
If you have a friend, loved one, or colleague who lives with mental health issues, chronic pain, or both, the greatest gift you can give that person is to acknowledge their pain. Remember that just because someone looks OK on the outside, it doesn't mean they're not in pain. You don't have to fix it. Simply extending kindness when someone discloses a chronic condition is a positive step toward both acknowledgement and reducing the stigma. Because, the pain — both mental and physical — is real.