As we grow up, we hear all the time that fairy tales and Disney give us false hopes and aspirations. There is no Prince Charming to come rescue you, the Wicked Witch is sometimes yourself, and no matter how much you ask, birds won't do your hair for you, nor will your mirror always tell you that you're the fairest of them all, and you probably don't want a raccoon as your best friend. I never expected any of that. I'm a realist. True Love isn't something I think actually exists, and I don't know that I believe in soul mates. But you know what else these stories, and really just movies in general, led us to believe? That you would have friends who are friends forever. Even looking at modern day movies, they still try to tell you life-long friendships are possible. Well, I call bullshit.
Recently, I've had a couple friends remove themselves from my life, or what they called it, "needing space"... Which honestly is also bullshit. You don't take a break from something that brings you joy, at least without reason, and I don't at all believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder. If you have time away from someone, it's quick to figure out whether or not their absence has made your heart grow fonder. It doesn't take weeks or months of not talking. I know that things change, and people change too, but I guess I still believed that friendships would grow and evolve and bend and mold as time went on.
I've always been someone who cares too much, so I never looked at friendships as temporary. "Sometimes people come into your life for a moment, a day, or a lifetime." I always hated that quote. I've never wanted to outgrow a friendship. I wrote a blog a few years ago about how my four main friends in middle school & high school were still in my life years later, but now just a year or two past that and none of them are. It's sad. Maybe it's a part of growing up and maybe it happens to everyone. I've been trying to look for the lesson in the losses, but I'm struggling. Struggling to make sense of the ended friendships, struggling to find a rhyme or reason, and struggling to fill the void that these fizzled friendships have created. Everyone new that you meet has to learn all of you - thirty years worth is a lot to dump on someone so that they can really get who you are, get your history, and truly know you. It's tough to start from scratch and rebuild from the ground up.
I know I'm not alone... Cigna recently did a study that showed that 46% of Americans report sometimes or always feeling lonely, and less than half say they do not have meaningful in-person social interactions on a daily basis. Not only is loneliness bad for your emotional and mental health, but it even has health risks such as an increased chance of diabetes, heart disease, and dementia. YIKES.
When it came to the role of social media, researchers found its use was not a predictor of loneliness. The Chief Medical Office at Cigna said, "We hear all the time about social media and being connected. What the study actually found was that the level of attachment with social media really did not impact loneliness one way or the other. What that means really is that I could have a thousand or ten thousand friends on Facebook, but it's the meaningful in-person relationships that I have with other people that actually keep me from becoming lonely."
I can remember a day, not long after I got engaged where I was at lunch with my grandma - just the two of us there meant there was tons of wedding talk. But not just the gushy kind, like what kind of dress I want, etc, but also her very real story of how within a year of her wedding, she was no longer friends with any of her bridesmaids. I was horrified! I already knew who three of my four bridesmaids would be - my three best friends and I couldn't imagine the same happening to us. My biggest fear going into marriage wasn't divorce - I was confident in my choice of husband - but rather, that the people who stood by me that day would someday leave my side. I have been married a little under three years and had four bridesmaids.. and you know how many of them I still talk to on a daily basis? NONE. And believe me, it's not for lack of trying on my end... but how long can you make time for people who don't make time for you? Sure, a strong friendship doesn't necessarily need to involve talking daily, but if you're best friends with someone but don't know anything about what's going on in their lives, are you really that close? True friends are not the people who turn their back when you're struggling and aren't there for you, for better or for worse. Trust me, I've noticed the people who are sad for my sadness and happy for my happiness. A real situation always reveals fake friends. It's a hard thing to accept, and I admittedly have a hard time letting go, especially when it comes to long-term friendships, but I'm learning to stop checking in on those people are no longer check in on me. I'm also working towards only having people in my life that add value, and I guess I just have to accept that not everyone knows my worth, or maybe they don't want what I have to offer. "If someone wants you in their life, they'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot." This is hard because not everyone that you consider a friend, considers you a friend back. If our friendship has ended, please know I held on until I just couldn't anymore. I won't be a doormat for anyone anymore. I no longer wish to force things or exert that much energy into something I'm getting nothing out of. I only have space for things that are meant for me and I'm letting go of people who have let go of me first. I'm done chasing.
Lately, to help fill the gap, I've been trying to put myself out there more. I've been practicing doing so in person and online. If I see a picture of someone looking amazing, but it's someone I don't normally talk to, so what? I'll tell her. Because I'm sure it makes her feel good. If I see someone I'm acquaintances with posting about something that I can relate to, I'll tell her. Because it feels good to know you're not alone. I've actually gotten some good interactions out of it, and hope to continue to nourish these budding friendships. Humans are social creatures, and I can't imagine I'm the only one who is going through an evolution. So, if you feel that way too, let me know... maybe we can get to know each other and create a friendship that will be built on a strong enough foundation to last us a few years, or hopefully more.
