I've been reflecting on both the past year in my life and the past year on my blog....
You know what I’ve noticed? I never blog when I’m happy, only when I’m upset. I get that it’s how I process things, but good things should be talked about to. I always seem to forget that.
As I sit here, listening to Taylor Swift's newest album, I started thinking... why do we poke and prod our emotional bruises? You’ll never see me pushing on my physical bruises. Why? Because it hurts - obviously, because it's a bruise. But when something’s wrong with me emotionally or mentally, that’s all I do. I ruminate on it. I talk about it to anyone who will listen. I listen to sad music to really make the tears flow - it seems all of Taylor's sad songs are my favorites... Anytime I'm upset or hurt, I wallow. I dive deeper and deeper into the pit of despair and I don’t come out for air until I’ve hit the bottom.
It's a terrible cycle and one that I would love to break but am often so stuck in and I know I'm not alone. Cyclical thoughts aren't exclusive to people with anxiety, depression and/or obsessive-compulsive disorder, but having those things (hi there - it's me!) certainly makes it worse. These cyclical thoughts are so hard to stop and they are often irrational and lead to a downward spiral, which is such familiar ground to me.
-----------------------Alas, I finally got the bug to write again after a lingering bad mood.------------------------------------------
All of these combined thoughts led me back to what my blog originated as: a way for me to process my thoughts.
Along the way, I have over-shared. I have written things about people, knowing they would see it, not caring, doing what was best for me. I guess that maybe works for anonymous bloggers, but when I'm sharing my posts on all of my social media, I'm not sure what I expected... This blog has brought me a ton of clarity. It's helped me get through some of my very worst moments. But it also led to burned bridges, some of which almost certainly won't be repaired.
(As both my dad and Taylor Swift say, "Play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.")
At the same time, blogging has brought me better understand myself, relationships, and my past. I can't deny that. But - it came with a cost.
I guess my whole point of this is to say that I want you all to hear and see the good in my life too - not just watch me when I'm sinking. I don't want my life to be a tabloid, where the juicy things are what sells. So this is my new challenge is to write about and share the good stuff too. I hope you'll stick around.