Do you ever have those moments of total epiphany? The kind of moments when all of a sudden something you’ve been struggling with suddenly becomes obvious? I had one lately that has been so impactful. During a recent vent session with a friend, she said to me that it was my responsibility to tell people how to treat me. She said it was up to me - not them - to set my boundaries.
I laid awake that night repeating that over and over and it’s been on my mind constantly since then.
The person that I am today is so different than high school me, college me or even last year's me. I’m learning who I want to be and what I will and will not stand for, which has brought on a lot of changes.
I’m not sure when it happened, that I lost my backbone, but somewhere along the line, I did.... and I’ve struggled to get it back, though I have tried. It’s something I’ve been working very hard on, for a long time, with not much success until recently.
I’ve always let people hurt my feelings and not have to apologize for it. I’ve let people say mean things or treat me badly with no consequences. I didn’t tell them it was unacceptable. I didn’t draw a line in the sand about what I would and would not allow. Without me telling them, they thought I was ok with it, when I wasn’t. I let certain people cut me down time and time again because I was too scared to stand up for myself and correct them. For some reason, the thought of me letting them know that what they did or said was hurtful, was so scary that I bit my tongue, thinking otherwise I would be picking a fight or hurting their feelings. But in the end, it was only my feelings getting hurt, and it started to fester. It took a long time, but I finally started to have enough. The problem was, that it had taken so long, that I exploded. It was like every bad thing inside of me came up at once, and I couldn't stop it.
Once I opened the flood gates, I couldn't stop talking about and listing the times that people had done or said something that was hurtful to me. I was lashing out at everyone and it ended friendships.
Now that the storm has passed, I can see why no one took kindly to that. No one wants to be read a laundry list of their "done-me-wrongs". Especially without the context of the situation, it was hard to see what was and was not meant to be hurtful, and everyone was (naturally) defensive. I'm able to admit now that I handled things in the incorrect way. I should have just turned this new leaf and headed into the future instead of feeling like I was owed some retrospective apologies. Sadly, I think some bridges will remained burned, but I guess, such is life.
I have been testing this with my current relationships though, and the results have been amazing - at least to me. I was always afraid that I would wind up the bad guy or that I would back down and just let bygones be bygones, but its generally been the opposite. In fact, a friend recently hurt my feelings by saying something that was actually pretty dang mean and after hours of me letting it fester and asking others if I was right to be offended, I finally felt confident enough that my feelings were valid and so I knew that I needed to speak up. So, I took the plunge and told her. And you know what happened? She instantly realized how she came across as hurtful, was so apologetic, and I think afterwards we both felt better. Oh, the relief!
I don't expect every situation to go that way, but if from now on, if I go into every relationship with firm expectations about what sort of behavior I will and will not accept, there won't be such drastic repercussions, because I'll only be surrounding myself with people who treat me the way that I want to be treated. And that sounds so dang peaceful.
