It's been a while... My following has gotten smaller and a lot of that is probably due to my posts becoming less heavy... less loaded with drama. (Ok, to be honest, I can't just blame you guys - I haven't really been writing either. Well, no, that's another lie... I have been writing, but none of it is worth sharing so far...)
But honestly? I'm in a really good place right now. I've made a lot of changes... Lots of adding, lots of subtracting.
Here is a run-down of the things that have changed.... Ya know, if you care.
So many of us are guilty of this... The social media stalk. The lurking. Checking in on people who aren't your friends. Some of these people probably aren't your friends - even on social media. But yet, you look. You look, and you lurk and no matter what you do or don't see, it hurts. It's poking the bruise. And it makes healing that much harder. So... I blocked those people. I did it not to keep them out, but to keep myself in check and put a stop to me checking in on them. Looking doesn't make me feel any better and it needed to stop. I guess those people will have to reach out to me some other way if the time ever came. But, I won't hold my breath. And I've managed thus far without them.
One thing you've all seen me struggle with is the loss of friendship. I have severe attachment issues and apparently have put too much faith in the idea that friends are forever. Sadly, that's just not the case. Some friends aren't meant to be forever friends. Some of them are there for you when you need them. Perhaps its to get through a tough time or perhaps its to teach you some sort of lesson. Either way, becoming friends with someone doesn't guarantee they will always be there. I'm working towards accepting that.
But, the other side of that coin that I overlooked was the fact that as time goes on, you could gain friends at different stages of your life too. In fact, I've recently gained a great friend. A best friend. Someone who I think will be a forever friend. Someone who I'm not putting in 90% while they put in 10%. Not someone who judges me or puts me down, but someone who is supportive, honest, loyal, and sincere. I think that's what makes a friendship not only a good one, but an adult, healthy one.
Going along with that new friend, I've gotten a bit of my social life back! I've been going out, meeting people, spending time with my friends and it's probably the main thing that has me feeling more like myself. Here's the thing I've learned - when you fill your life with people who don't value you, you don't have any time, energy, or space left for people who do add value. Now that I'm no longer chasing after friendships that have ended or that no longer serve me, I've found that my tank isn't so damn empty all the time.
At the start of this year, I didn't see how I could possibly fill all of the space that had been cleared out in 2018. And I don't know that I added in as much as I took out, but as I sit here, looking ahead to this next year, next decade, next stage in my life... I'm finding myself feeling lighter and happier with less.
