Today I got the news that I was knew was coming, but was hoping to somehow not get - I am unable to come out of isolation until I am 72 hours symptom free, without the assistance of medication. It's a real catch-22 when, even with fever reducers, my temperature hasn't dropped down below 100* a single time in the last seven days.
I was watching my doctor's latest YouTube video, walking though statistics of previous diseases and viruses that have ravished our world. On that list were two that I have also had. Which is how I knew it was so likely for me to catch this, despite my best efforts. I laughed about it, thinking my humor shield would help ward it off. But, here we are...
It's already been seven days since I left the emergency room. The last two I've either spent sleeping or crying. I am so, so lonely, which was to be expected. What I didn't expect was to be angry.
I'm angry at a lot of things...
I'm angry every time I see someone I know on social media posting pictures of a get-together, or when they say "thankful to be quarantined with my friends". That's not what quarantine is. Quarantine is meant to be just you and whoever lives in your home. Not your neighbors, or your extended family members, or your friends. And every time I see someone posting about breaking the rules like it's no big deal, it's like a slap in the face. It's really hard to not take it personally. I'm not quarantined, I'm isolated. Literally all alone, within the same four walls, with no end in sight. Watching people carry on as if they're invincible makes me so angry. You are not invincible. The number of confirmed cases is increasing by hundreds a day, just in Michigan. Yesterday alone, the statistics were staggering.... someone died from Covid-19 every two minutes. EVERY TWO MINUTES. That is haunting and heartbreaking. At that rate, it's going to be someone you know and love soon, or it will be you. Yet people are still carrying on as if this is all one big vacation. Do you know what I would do to see a friend right now? To spend time with my husband? I would literally pay a stranger to hug me right now, that's how desperate for physical affection I am. Isolation is terrible. At times, I've even considered that if my symptoms were worse, I would be in the hospital, and would at least have more human interaction than I do know. Do you know how fucked up that thought is?
I'm angry that the last two days my symptoms have worsened again. It's such a step backwards, and the emotional toll is worse than the physical one.
Today I haven't responded to any calls or messages, because my mood is so foul. I'm angry at everyone who is finding ways to enjoy themselves during this, while I'm suffering physically and mentally. Then I get angry for being upset about a situation that none of us asked for.
I'm angry that I'm 100% dependent on my husband. Literally the only thing I can do alone, unassisted is go to the bathroom - and that requires a two hour nap afterwards. I'm angry for feeling like a burden, one that he didn't ask for.
I'm angry that once again, I'm sick. I hate being the girl who is always sick. I hate that anytime a sickness sweeps our world, it gets me. I hate hearing that "I'm a fighter" because I'm so damn tired of fighting. I'm angry that I don't have any other choice than to fight.
So, I'll remain in isolation... fighting... watching you enjoy yourselves...
But no matter how angry I am, I still wouldn't wish this on anyone. All I wish for is for you to take this seriously. It's not a joke, it's not a conspiracy theory or a terrorist attack. This is real and it is awful, and we haven't even hit the worst of it yet.