I think in many, many ways, 2020, the Coronavirus pandemic and quarantine have changed us. It has changed our world. From now on when we say BC it will mean "Before Corona". Of course that's not the only thing going on right now. We have faced racism, riots, protests, murder hornets and a general ominous feel.
The mental toll alone over the past nine+ months has been extreme. Not all in bad ways, but there has been so much time for soul searching and emotional check-ins.
I've found that I've had three major milestones in terms of my mental health during this time.
First, a positive - I have been learning to practice more grace. There are so many factors happening in everyone's lives right now that it's not at all surprising that people are moody, sensitive, emotional, or otherwise acting out. I have been extra irritable lately, and I know that I'm not alone. There is so much on my mind, so many stressors, and so many unknowns. I have had to be extra patient with myself as I weave through the emotional highs and lows. I still haven't really processed the fact that I actually had Covid-19... twice. It sounds so crazy to say, but it doesn't feel like it has really sunk in yet - mostly because I have been purposely avoiding thinking about it. It just seems so surreal, and I don't think I can really unpack the trauma of it until after life goes back to a more normal setting. I can't handle it all at once.
It’s been hard to take in the gravity of how sick I was. It still shocks me to this day to hear my closest friends and family describe what they see, thought, and felt while I was sick.
That alone is a lot to take in, but adding in the fact that I am one of those unlucky Covid long-haulers, it’s been a lot to face. Since being sick, the way I think and live my daily life has been different. Maybe forever, maybe only temporary, but for the past nine months, I’ve had to try to come to terms with this new me. It’s taken this entire time to stop fighting against myself and instead to work with myself. My brain works differently. And I’ve had to become ok with that... It could go back to normal tomorrow, next week, in a year, or in twenty. It also might not ever go back at all. I am finally at a place where I’m allowing myself the patience and grace to accept these changes and challenges. One thing my entire team of doctors and therapists have repeated to me is that I need to give myself grace. I have to work at that every day but it’s starting to come a bit easier.
I have also had to give the same grace to others. While right now we are united in some senses, everyone is still fighting their private battles on top of everything else going on. Not only do you not always know what others are going through, you don't know how it's impacting them - how hard the struggles are - how tired and overwhelmed they are - how sad, scared, and hopeless others may feel. Many of us battle daily life stressors all of the time, but packed on top of the state of our world, it's no surprise that this is uncharted territory for so many people.
Even before getting sick, I noticed (and appreciated) those friends and family that would reach out to me, knowing I was dealing with extra anxieties. During the time I was sick, I was able to nourish some of my most important relationships. I had many acquaintances turn into friendships. There were so many people I barely knew, or that I had only known as a friend of a friend who checked in with me to see how I was feeling, both mentally and physically. I was filled with so much gratitude that sometimes it was overwhelming. In my darkest hours, I had never felt more loved and cared for. On my toughest days, wrapping myself in that warmth was my only bright light. I don't wish this illness on anyone, friend or foe - but if you are ever faced with a horrible situation, look for the light - let others lift you up, care for you, and be strong when you can't. It's truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
Even with all of that uplifting love, it wasn't all happiness. Sometimes, the space someone leaves in their absence isn't easily filled by others. And that was very apparent during my time in isolation. While I cherished everyone who did reach out, check in, send their well wishes - it was still very hard to not notice the people who weren't there for me, but should have been... While I was blessed enough to not be hospitalized, I was still sicker than I have ever been in my life. Things were still very grim. And regardless of how "moderate" my symptoms arguably were, the bottom line was still that I was sick with something that was rapidly killing people of any age, regardless of their prior health status. While I wouldn't say I was "on my death bed", it was easy to let my mind go there at times... and to notice the people that weren't there but should have been. There weren't many, but I wish that I wouldn't have noticed at all - not even that I wish they were there, because at this point, I don't... They made me sure I knew how they felt, or rather, how they didn't... but accepting that is still very hurtful. A few of them have come around now, trying to explain away their absence, but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's holding a grudge. I wish forgiveness came easier to me, but in this new accelerated emotional state, it's just not number one on my list.
All in all, this was and continues to be a major learning experience for all of us. I'm hoping the grace and gratitude continue and that I can let go of my grudges. I would rather give my energy to the people that lift my spirits. If that's the best thing to come out of this trying time, I think I'll chalk it up to a good lesson learned.
