I have a love-hate relationship with this quote.
For the longest time, it was a mentality that I tried hard to keep. I categorized it with the belief that if people wanted me in their lives, they would put me there. And to a certain extent, I still think that it's true.
But if you're like me, it's not that easy...
Looking back on relationships I've had, there has been a definite moment in time when I made the conscious decision to stop putting forth effort into relationships that were one-sided. But knowing that you deserve more out of a relationship doesn't make ending it any easier. Generally, you don't end a relationship because you don't care about the other person, but rather that you start caring (more) about yourself. You start to put your wants and needs ahead of theirs, and that's often when you see how mis-matched the effort to maintain the relationship is.
Sure, it's true that when you spend less time chasing after people, you have more time to focus on the relationships that are worthwhile. But that doesn't mean that you don't miss the people who are no longer in your life. I think the part that I get caught up with is believing that each person not only comes into your life for a purpose, but that they also may leave for one too. We are told "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you'll know exactly what to do.", but no one talks about that in-between period where you're still figuring out what category to put people in. The lesson isn't always apparent, and sometimes it can take years to figure it out. I don't think that relationships are black and white... I don't think you're either nourishing a worth-while relationship or you're walking away from something that no longer serves you. I think there is this giant space in between and that's the part that I struggle with.
I know that perhaps I am more sentimental and sensitive than the average person, but I seem to have a hard time letting go of people, even when I know that it's in my benefit. Maybe it's because its rare to let someone go only to have the relationship come back after a period of time stronger than before. It's not impossible and distance really can make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn't happen often. It takes a level of awareness, acceptance, and humbleness for someone to come back to you, admit their faults, and then make an active attempt to change their behavior. The opposite is also true - once hindsight grants you the benefit of knowing what you did or said that was wrong, it's hard to tuck your tail between your legs and admit that to someone who you've already walked away from. For me, that's definitely the best case scenario when I pull away from a relationship, but it's honestly more of a pipe dream than a reality.
Furthermore, what about the times that you let someone go and they leave without looking back, calling your bluff? What about the people you want to notice your distance, want them to notice that you're withdrawn, want them to fight for your relationship? It's hard to accept that to someone else, your relationship might not be worth fighting for. There have been people very close to me that have never acknowledged when I've withdrawn - and that's when it hurts the most. I know relationships aren't always 50-50, but there's a sting that comes with knowing someone is not bothered by you walking away that doesn't really go away.
I've been trying to write my own narrative when it comes to ended relationships to help spin things into positives instead of negatives. One new perspective is that maybe the reason for a relationship isn't just for you... Maybe I didn't learn something from the friendship, but maybe the other person did. It seems obvious now that the light bulb went off..... but until recently I guess I expected that there should be a personal take-away from every ended relationship, but I'm starting to think that's not the case.
I'm also trying to reconcile being thankful for memories with missing someone. Often times when you end a relationship, it's because the person at the end of it isn't the same person as they were at the beginning, so you're grieving someone who no longer exists. It's hard to look back at the positive memories you had with someone and not miss them... but when people change enough that your relationship is negatively altered, it's unlikely that you will continue to make the same sort of cherished memories together. It's hard to think of good memories with someone and not ache to make more - but sometimes the changes people go through or the distance that is created is too much to weather.
At the end of the day, whether or not we want to hear it, people will tell you exactly what you mean to them. I don't think it takes space or time apart to figure it out, either. And sometimes, a burned bridge will keep you from going back to somewhere you no longer belong. Don't be afraid to outgrow people - don't feel guilty for not visiting people who no longer visit you.
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