Recently, I have seen posts online where people are talking about how they value the friends that stay through life's twists and changes... My first thought was: "I do too!" But then I stopped myself, and took a look at the last couple years of my life...
In that time frame, I have moved on from my friendship with the best friend that I had since middle school, in a very public, messy and hurtful way. It was an explosion and it rocked my world. I never thought I would find a comparable friendship after that. But it wasn't very long before I did. Only this friendship was more magical... and therefore it hurt twice as bad when it ended.
Over the past few years, I have also drastically changed my relationship with a family member It has gone from us talking everyday to us not talking at all for two years. That's two years with no calls, texts, visits, letters... just cold turkey. Now, I was the one who took us down that path. I knew that the dynamic of our relationship would never change and therefore, I had to make changes. Sadly, removing this person from my daily life was really the only way I could protect my peace and honor my boundaries. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt... There are some days that I wish I could scream to the world "I MISS YOU" but I know the person that I would get isn't the person that I want, need, or even deserve.
During the time I was losing this second friendship, my husband and I also made the very tough decision to call it quits on our marriage of five years. It seems crazy to sum up my relationship of 13+ years in one sentence, but all of the blog posts in the world couldn't explain what that was like for me (which is why I haven't written any in months...)
Ending my marriage was what I consider my pit, my rock bottom. I can't imagine going through something that will impact me or change my life so strongly. I will always look at my life in two parts: before and after...
I'm not the same person now as I was before any of these things and how could I expect to be? All of these losses have shaped me. And as someone with abandonment issues... I never saw myself being able to accept ended relationships for what they are. It's not a "forgive and forget" type thing... There's no replacing these people and the bonds that we shared. But what there is, is time... As time goes on and I'm more and more removed from these people and the situation... I've found the void getting smaller and smaller. It's not getting filled by new hobbies or new people... it's simply healing and part of healing is hurting less.
This doesn't mean that I don't cherish the long-term relationships I've been lucky enough to maintain. In fact, I appreciate them even more. There are now very few people in my life that I have had the luxury of sharing my entire life with... but those people are more special and dear to me than I can ever express. It really is just a small number of people who I know, after all this time, aren't going to ever not have a place in my life. I see you guys, I love you guys.
A big lesson I have finally grasped is that even our negative emotions are life lessons. "You can't have the good without the bad" and all that... You can't have love without loss. These losses will mold and mend until they have become some sort of gain. By losing the relationships that no longer serve me, I am opening myself up to new experiences, new people, and new opportunities. The more in tune I become with myself, my wants and my needs, the more I am able to hand-select people who not only fit my current situation but also my future life goals.
I'd like to think of this part of my life in one simple way: I am shedding... I am shedding all of the things that I don't want to or can't accept or change to be acceptable. Close friendships, relationships... My marriage... my career... I am changing everything that isn't what I picture to be my ideal. Shedding isn't something that happens once in nature. Think of a snake... Each time they outgrow their skin, they shed it... This happens over and over again throughout their life. Shedding these people and things from my life gets rid of what I've outgrown. It's also setting me up to come out the other side shiny and new. I don't know her too well yet... but I think I like her.
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